me, but not me

I was recently Googling myself (don't deride, you know you do it too!). To my relief and mild consternation, I didn't find me.

I did, however, find various versions of me. While looking through them, I thought maybe I could write a blog entry about my doppelganger, my name twin, the me that wasn't me.

Then I found a listing for an alt/me on Hollywood.com. Cool! alt/me is an actor. Au contraire. It seems he was in the entertainment industry, but behind the scenes. Way behind the scenes.

I had to know more about this guy. There was no luck tracking down any trace of an e-mail address or web site. Next idea, WTH, I'll still interview him.

So presented for your enjoyment is my (entirely fictional*) interview with alt/me.


Me: So David, it's nice to talk to you. Tell me a bit about yourself.

Alt/me: Your very welcome David. I'm 46 and currently living in a farm outside of Berkshire, England.

m: So I noticed on your Hollywood.com posting you were involved in a movie called, The Wildcats of St. Trinian's. Can you tell me a bit about the movie.

a/m: Why yes, it was made in 1980 here in Berkshire. It was a rather fun, witty and relevant satire on University life of the time. Something of Jeeves and Wooster meets Monty Python.

m: I see. Your listed as Assistant Director - assistant 2nd unit director (2nd Unit). Can you tell us exactly what that entailed?

a/m: Well the second Unit typically is in charge of shots like scenery, close-ups of objects and other inserts or cutaways. I was the Second Units assistant's assistant. It was a very fun and important job.

m: So were there any shots that you specifically shot that remain in the film?

a/m: Oh yes! I was in charge of fetching coffee, insert shots of text books and cleavage continuity.

m: Um, OK. That brings me then to a question I debated asking. From what I can gather, The Wildcats of St. Trinian's is soft, soft, Cinemax at 3 AM porn. Am I wrong?

a/m: Oh, yes. Very far from the mark.

m: To quote a review of the movie on IMDB:

Twaddle, Badly scripted, Badly acted And badly directed. A badly thought out attempt to cash in on a successful series. The Characters are wrong, both staff and pupils and the plot line is none existent. The driving force seems to have been the desire to dress women in cartoon school uniforms and leer at them. None of the feigned naive innocence and fun of the other four films is present Every one involved in it should be thoroughly ashamed.

This was a rather well respected film franchise in the 50's right? But when the recent DVD box sets were released, they conspicuously left out your film.

a/m: I have absolutely nothing to say to that quote or why it was left out of the box sets. I had a lovely time and I got to meet some very nice people.

m: I'm glad you mentioned meeting people, I noticed that Alex Kingston was listed as an uncredited schoolgirl. She's become very famous here in the States for her role on ER. Did you meet her?

a/m: Yes, yes. Alex was 18 and very free spirited. One night after drinks at the local pub, well, (chuckles) we got very friendly and well ... (strange snarky twitters)

m: David, are you saying you dated Ms. Kingston. That's amazing. Do you still maintain contact?

a/m: Sadly no. She got in a bit of snit when I released the photos of her on the Internet a few years back, that and the bloody restraining order...

m: I see, uhm, well, what other movies did you work on that we may know.

a/m: Well mostly I dabbled at the film work. My real job is as a Sheep Engineer. But I did edit Secrets of San Simeon With Patricia Hearst. That was 2001. Ms. Hearst, hosted a behind-the-scenes look at her grandfather's legendary castle at San Simeon.

m: Yes. I'm sure that was fascinating. May I ask about your occupation. You said you were a Sheep Engineer? What is that?

a/m: Well we use selective breeding and genetic manipulation to breed sheep with non-allergen wool. Any one can wear this wool. it's wonderful stuff, doesn't itch or scratch at all.

m: That sounds amazing. You must be very busy with that.

a/m: Well, we've hit a bit of a wall I'm afraid.

m: Wall? What's the matter...

a/m: Well after several generations, it seems that all my sheep are, well a bit off. A bit, uhm, gay. So it makes it terribly hard to continue. Although the sheep are the most contented I've ever seen them. I'm not in the least homophobic, just wish the sheep... well....

m: Soooooo... David, to close, are you working on any new projects?

a/m: Yes, I'm shooting a series of viral web video's of my sheep and doing very veritas work in some local underground projects. I'm still out there.

m: Yes, I see that you are. Well thank you for taking time out for this interview and best of luck in your future.

a/m: Thank you so much for calling, it's always nice to know another me.


For a glimpse of The Wildcats of St. Trinian's click here. *Mild adult content warning*

* Disclaimer - This is meant as satire. While there is a David Monroe who worked on the films cited and held the title of Assistant Director - assistant 2nd unit director (2nd Unit) on a very bad British School Girl soft porn (that did include Alex Kingston in the credits), no connection real or imagined should be made between him, Alex Kingston or the allergen free gay sheep community. I'm sure he is (or was) a wonderful person and a credit to our shared name.

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