2.28.2010

I FAIL at Life or Why I Will Soon Disappear From the Internets

So, here’s the deal. I’ve been sick, for like a really long time.

I had a lung infection that attacked me two years ago. I recovered, but my lungs never did. They are at about 60 – 70% capacity of what they were. Then I got the cancer thing. I think that’s cleared up, I hope it has, but I have no money or insurance so I just have to pray and cross my fingers.

The combination of all of that as well as a devastating divorce 10 years ago that left me spinning out of my usual comfort zone of, well, a comfort zone and situational depression. I mention this because it kept me off balance and not myself for the better part of a decade. I bounced from job to job, finding new ways to somehow punish myself for the end of my marriage. Then the breakup with the daughter’s Mom (the love of my life) convinced me of one thing. People bad. Stay away from people. They will hurt you, cheat on you, lie about you, use you.

So I kept folks at arms length. It’s not like I ever was the kind of person that made friends easily. The friends I had, are still my friends, I love them, and miss them. I just don’t know how to reach out to them, especially after years of never seeing them. Proof of this has been demonstrated time and again on Facebook. Well Meaning Old Friend: Hey! How are you? Me: Ok, well I’m sick, cancer, I’ll be Ok. How are you? Awkward!!

For the last two years I’ve been a hermit. I don’t get out, I don’t go anywhere. The thing that has saved me has been the Internet. I can get on cancer forums, Twitter, Facebook or just do research, watch TV, etc. It has saved my life, and my sanity.

I have met many wonderful new friends. Friends here in Indianapolis and friends throughout the world. (I hope you know who you are) Thus comes the problems. These new local friends, wonderful, smart, accomplished, people;  invite me out to functions, meetings, coffee, and I have repeatedly said no. Why? Don’t I want to do anything with these people? Do I still feel like pushing people away. No, not really. Not anymore. I like people, I like talking and sharing with them. It’s time I get new friends. So what’s the problem?

I had to sell my car to pay for bills. I couldn’t afford car payments on an ‘05 Ford Focus, insurance for it and gas and pay rent, utilities, and medical bills. What has this caused? Nothing but pain and hardship. Nothing. Nothing!

I can’t go see my kids. I used to be able to walk the mile to my bus stop and ride the bus. I can’t make it that far right now. Last Summer, for most of three months, IndyGo removed the stop entirely. When I could ride the bus, I couldn’t do anything in the evenings since the bus stopped running then, and I didn’t feel comfortable walking in the dark anymore. (Oh, yeah, something is wrong with my eyes, I’m loosing night vision and color acuity, but I don’t know why since I can’t afford to go, get to or have insurance to go see a doctor.)

I cut so many out of my life, that the only people who want to see me are my 73 year old Mom (who has to help me secretly since my father has disowned me) and my two children. So, yeah, that’s not good. (Those of you reading this who know my parents or go to Church with them, please don’t mention that my Mom sometimes comes up to take me out to eat or get me a few groceries, you will honestly get her in a lot of trouble with Dad.)

I cashed all of my savings to pay for medical bills. Thinking it would keep me from the embarrassment and confusion of public assistance and would last till I was better, or wouldn’t and I would be dead. Either way, worked for me. But now, I’m still alive, a bit better, and thousands of dollars in debt. I still don’t take public assistance. I just can’t get there, and I don’t know what I would be able to get and I know I can’t last waiting all day in line. I just don’t have that endurance right now. I waited too long.

I want desperately to reach out to the new friends I’ve made or the old, but how? “Oh, hi! You don’t know IRL me but you drew the short straw of people to like and friend. I’m a complete looser and BTW sure I’d love to go to your meeting, event or coffee. Uhm… can you swing by the apartment of a someone you’ve never met and pick me up?” Userish d-bag much? I can’t do that.

So, what’s going on now that caused me to write this? Funny you should ask. I was doing some freelance stuff and making ends meet, barely. That generally meant that I paid my rent and bills but it was peanut butter and jelly sandwiches till the next pay, peanut butter out of the jar if I ran out of bread. It happens. I dealt with it. It’s what happens in this country when you get sick with out insurance. You go broke - then you die. It makes perfect sense.

I was on a payment plan with IPL, the electric company but they sent an email that said the payment I made on Feb. 1st was made in the afternoon and wasn’t posted until the next day. Ok? Apparently this violated my agreement and I now owed the full balance due ($400) or they’ll turn my power off. I don’t have that, so unless I can somehow fix it on the phone tomorrow, something I’m doubtful of, then my power will soon go off. That’s why I was asking on Facebook and Twitter for a number of someone at IPL) If that hadn’t happened, Comcast raised my monthly Internet bill. I won’t be able to pay that either. I’m not kidding about the Internet. It’s kept me sane and in touch with my kids, my online friends, my old friends, news, research, TV, and writing. I could do freelance and earn a few bucks as well. It was and is, a very necessary life expense.

I can’t read a book anymore because of my eyes, my TV works half the time, I can’t imagine sitting here in my apartment in the cold and dark, day after day, but I guess I won’t have to imagine it. Starting tomorrow or the day after, it will more than likely be my reality.

So, I made poor decisions, I’m broke and in ill health. I wish and want so much to be well and contribute to society. To work. To write. To go to meetings for projects my voice could make a difference in. Most of all I just wish I could take my kids… well, anywhere. I have missed so much time with them this last year.

So I write this to let you know why I will disappear, that I didn’t beg off all those times with you because I wanted to (very much the opposite) and hopefully, I’ll be back sometime. I just don’t hold out much hope for soon. I just needed to explain myself, sometimes I’m like a character from LOST. I may not lie, but I’m not great at sharing, but pretty awesome at diverting a question from me back with out really answering. Enough of that BS.

I’m worried that you, my old friend or you my new one or you the stranger will judge me. Not understand or want nothing to do with me any longer. For those of you I have friended on Facebook, you can, if you want, call me. My number is listed. My phone will last through this last charge. If you want.

Thanks for everything, especially the laughs. Be kind to each other. Peace.




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